1. These Boost Mobile phones ads. Y'know the ones ... "Now you can chirp your homies whenever you want!" and "Where you at?" Fuck you. I'm gonna be AT your house with a foot up your ass if you don't stop chirping me, homie.

2. And on the subject of phones, who came up with text messaging? Fuck that guy in the ear. I tried it the other night, it took me five minutes to key in "call me later" to a friend, who ended up calling me in the middle of my text message and left me a voice mail that said, "text me later dawg!" What a fucking waste of technology. And to people who have long conversations via text messaging - pick up the fucking phone and talk to them you socially inept chode huffer.

3. People waiting in line for the release of new video games. Hey, dudes, want a sure fire way to guaruantee you won't feel the warm touch of a woman for the next five years? Stand out in line in front of a video game store for a few hours. Nothing says chronic masterbater like wearing a Halo t-shirt and standing in front of Game Crazy at 10 PM with your fellow gamers. Geek factor +10 for all you fuckers.

4. People with teddy bears in their cars. Okay, I can understand a 16 year female doing this, but every time I see a guy in his suped up Honda complete with teddy bears staring at me from the back window I get a good idea of who wears the pants in that relationship. Knock that shit off...it's a fucking car, not your bedroom.

5. The pens in my office. Or should I say, the lack of. Fuck, I buy a ten pack of those blue Papermate medium point pens every week and sure as shit, come friday they are gone. They're not in the desk drawers, the delivery vans, the breakroom, the back office, the floor, the garbage, my clipboard or pockets. Conclusion: they're being abducted by aliens in some weird Area 51 conspiracy to rid the world of simple communication. Guess I'll have to text message everything since I can't find a fucking pen to write it down.

Happy Hump Day...Where you AT?!